This is Me.

Due to the current events of our pen names being exposed earlier this week, I felt obligated to write this post.

So what is my real name? In case you don't know, or you're too lazy to go look it up on the class list, I'll remind you. My name is Taylor Eastman.

For those of you who don't really know me, I'll tell you the basic facts about me. I'm a junior, I'm a Mormon, my parents are divorced, thus is the reason why I have a family of twelve. I'm almost 18 years old and as much as I look forward to Senior year, I'm even more excited to graduate so I can move to California for College. I have approximately a 2.9 GPA and I scored a whopping 18 on the ACT. I'm a decent student, I have a decent attendance record, and I'm never in trouble with any of my Teachers. I probably could get better grades if I tried harder, but that's the thing, I'm not good at trying hard enough.

But there's far more to me. I have facts about myself that aren't that basic, and not that many people know. I'm not sure where to start, but I guess I'll start with saying that I have a far from perfect relationship with my Mother. There are six different types of narcissism, and she can be classified as four of those six types. She left my family when I was twelve, because she cheated on my Father and thought that there was more to life than being a wife and Mother. (???????????) Well, Mom, yes there is more to life than being a stay at home Mom, but sadly, there's not much more to your life. For nearly six years she's had numerous shitty jobs, and refuses to pay my Father, the parent with custody, any child support. It's not like it matters though, my Dad doesn't need her money, but it's just the act of selfishness that gets under my skin. Although she's a pretty shitty Mom, she's still my Mom, and because she left, I've always felt like I wasn't worth much. I mean, you would too if your own MOTHER wasn't around, and in addition, always likes to comment on my weight, appearance, and GPA. I know I should move on, but it's harder than it sounds, because I am still hers and she is still mine. Because of her views on myself, I've always had lower self-esteem, and I'm sooo soooooo vulnerable to any little comment that anyone makes about me. It's partly because of her, and partly because of something that a boy said to me back in 8th grade. I know, I know, 8th grade, sort of pathetic right? But this was the nastiest comment, and it came from someone I was in love with. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have loved him so much if I wasn't so desperate for someones love, given that my family was going through a rough patch, but I couldn't help it, I loved him, and I thought that people did sexual things when they were in love, and I was! And he told me that he loved me too, but he was a liar. He saw how vulnerable I was, and just went with it. After months of whatever the hell that we had together, he broke it off by telling me that, "I was a fat cunt, and I would never find anyone better than him, ever." Ouch, right? I mean, boys are just mean, right? I should just brush it off and move on like everyone else right? Uh, wrong. My heart shattered into a million billion tiny pieces, and for a very long time, whenever I saw him, it felt like I was breathing through a coffee straw. So who is this boy? I mean I'm too good to say his name. Just kidding I'm not. Sorry, Caden. And if you know me well enough, or called me a slut back in Junior High School, you'll know which Caden it is. After that whole ordeal, it was safe to say that I felt completely worthless, and today, my paper heart did grow back, it's a lot stronger now, and has a fence of barbed wire wrapped around it. I haven't loved another boy since Caden, I'm too scared to let anyone penetrate my heart again, after everything it's been through. And if you thought that I was a slut, now you know the truth. I'm not a slut, just a sad little girl who wanted someone to love her.

I know that the last huge ass paragraph was not in anyway uplifting, but all of that has been on my chest for nearly 6 damn years, and needed to be released. My life isn't always negative, there is plenty positive and happy things about my life too. Unlike most girls, I have an awesome relationship with my Father, one that I in no way deserve. I have two amazing best friends too, and after everything we've been though, and my behavior sometimes, I'm glad that they are still here for me. It's just hard for them to understand that even though my heart is stronger, my skin is less thick. I'm insanely sensitive, and I really, really, wish I wasn't. I have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and even though I kind of have a funny way of showing it, I owe everything to this church and my Father in Heaven. Nothing in my life brings me more Eternal peace and happiness, and I wish I was better at remembering that. I love education, even though I hate doing my homework. I love to learn new things, and occasionally, like to study. My favorite subject is English, and I hope to become either a writer or a Reporter one day, although I secretly have always dreamed of becoming an Actress, and have a hidden love for acting. I love people, and at school I don't talk that much, but I'm going to make it a goal of mine next year to be more outgoing and make friends with different kinds of people. If you get to know me, you'll know that I'm really funny and I like to make people laugh, and I love doing nice things for other people. It truly breaks my heart when people don't want to live anymore, because I know what it feels like, and lately have realized just how precious life is. I have a short temper, and I erupt easily and haughtily, and I need to learn to get that more under control. My language isn't always the best, but it is what it is, I'm not perfect. I've definitely learned to love myself more in the past year, and I hope to continue to more and more everyday. I want my first marriage to be my only, and I want to give my children the kind of Mother that my own never could be.

If you made it to the end, thanks for listening to what I had to say. It means the world, and I hope that you will all post more about yourselves; the real you, on your own blogs so I can get to know everyone better.

XOXO

Taylor