Valentine's Day always makes me think of you.
I saw you on Valentine's day at school. We made eye contact in the halls during passing time, and I hate when we do that. I'm not sure if it's because of Valentine's day, or something else, but I got hit with a thousand different emotions. Nobody can make me do that except for you, and I'll hate you forever because of that.
I still don't understand why I was in love with you. And yes, it was love. How did I know? Because I can't describe the way I felt, I'll never able to. If I try to, it won't make any sense. You made me feel like I was at a spa in Asia and I put my feet in a tub of water and a thousand tiny fish were kissing my feet. When we were together, I was dumbfounded. I could barley carry a conversation with you because it felt like a spaceship was going up my spine. When we kissed, I didn't want to stop. I wanted more, but not like sex, I wanted more like I wanted to give you myself completely, and I wanted you to do the same for me.
The day I realized that you didn't love me back was one of the most devastating experiences of my life. It was back in middle school, and I waited for you after class, but you didn't leave with me, you left with her. I felt humiliated. I felt used. I felt like nothing.
It was definitely a rude awakening. I promised myself back then that I would always love you, and I still feel the same way three and a half years later. I love you. You haven't made these years easy. Even though it's obvious that you are more into lust rather than love, I can't help but feel like you love me too. I know you still love me too. If you didn't, then I wouldn't catch you staring at me like the way you do. You don't like to talk about your feelings for me, like the way I don't like to express mine for you. I keep them inside the deepest part of my heart that I keep from everyone except for myself, but here's the truth.
The truth is, I haven't given up on you. If you ever wanted me back, I would welcome you with open arms in a heartbeat.
The truth is, I used to doodle in all my notebooks about you. Your name, initials, my name with your last name.
The truth is, I've named all of our children. And I want them to look like you because I love the way you look.
The truth is, I still care, and something tells me that you do too.
I'm just too scared to admit it.
No comments:
Post a Comment