Fear
/fi (e) r/
An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
I don't like to think about my fears. They scare me. I push them back inside the deepest, darkest parts of my soul, and tell them to stay there. I don't share them with anyone, not even my family or best friends. I try not to dwell on them, and act like they do not exist. In order to hide my true feelings, I spend far too much time with my friends or on social media. I shop until there's only $20 left in my bank account, and I dance like no one's watching. But the the truth is, I am afraid.
I'm afraid of relationships. I'm terrified that one day my marriage will end horribly like my parents, and I'll end up hating the father of my children like my parents are towards each other. I'm afraid of having a crush on someone, because what if they ever found out that I liked them? What if someone told them, and their only response is "ew". I'm afraid that you all will read my blog and think that my writing is bad, or irrelevant, because writing is one of the only things in life I'm actually good at and enjoy doing. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for my step family. I'm afraid that they don't really care, and when I move out of state next year I'll never receive any calls or texts, and when I come home to visit everyone's initial thoughts are, "It's so much better around here without her." I'm afraid that I'm bad at small talk. I don't like to discuss weather with people, I want to talk about God, and childhood memories, and what their parents are like. I'm afraid that all the girls in this school are thinner, prettier, and happier than I am. I'm afraid that my Mom will get a divorce for the third time. I'm afraid of how sensitive I am. Just because someone doesn't think I'm amazing, it doesn't give me the right to resent both them and myself. I shouldn't take everything so personally, but I just do, and I can't help it. I'm afraid of how suicidal I get when I'm feeling down. Just because it was a bad day, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't care whether or not I wake up the next morning. I'm afraid that I have too many fears, and one day I'll become all of my anxieties and insecurities.
But if we are talking irrational fears, I truly am terrified of getting diarrhea in public.
This was honest. It was easy to read and it felt real.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite:
"I don't like to discuss weather with people, I want to talk about God, and childhood memories, and what their parents are like. "
You sound like The Little Prince. That's a compliment.
"and one day I'll become all of my anxieties and insecurities." #stolen (I put it on my blog)